My head feels like I’m slowly swimming through water. Oh the joys of working new meds out. Trying to gauge whether the benefits outweigh the damped down feeling. Maybe the feeling will go away as my body adjusts. Kind of like when I was on Seroquel, the first two weeks I would take them and then just pass out. I slowly got used to them, but it was pretty trippy for a while.

The above paragraph was written two weeks ago. The new medication didn’t work out. After a little over a week of walking in a permanent daze, which was kind of neat, I realized that I wasn’t feeling anxious anymore. I actually felt nothing. While the med worked for anxiety and agitation, it ended up putting me in a zone where I didn’t care at all. Reading the Bible, worship, church- all just a big empty spot where excitement and desire had been. I know that God isn’t all about just feelings but He did create emotions for us to actually have them. I said good-bye to those meds.

And now it’s back to irritability and agitation. I realize this is a phase, that this time of year can just be hard. But knowing that doesn’t necessarily make it easier. So if you’ve seen me in the past couple weeks and I’ve been a little out of it or rude, I do apologize.

It’s an odd feeling to be healed enough to know that I’m not fully healed. I don’t think I like it too much. But it is progress regardless of out I feel about it. It’s sometimes easier to sit in the brokenness than to try and keep moving forward. But that doesn’t mean I failed, rather I’m finding it means that’s where God wants to sit with me. Not to wallow but to winnow, to examine each memory, action, regret- to look at them with God. Where I see trauma, He sees healing. Where grief speaks; deep, passionate joy sings louder. While it’s still hard, He is the Lion walking next to me keeping me from falling off the cliff.

So it’s not the easiest time but I already know I’ve triumphed. All that’s
left is the walking it out.