The VA likes to play this little game every so often; I call it med switch. Since they go with the frugalist (insert whatever word you want to use there) medication dispensary, every so often the doses or pill amounts get changed up. They put the new directions on the box, but I don’t often check them. Yes, I realize I should. But after a certain amount of time, I just fall into a routine. The routine bit back this time and I was med switched. Same medication just a different dose per pill so I accidently doubled my intake for a few days.

Thankfully, this isn’t the type of medicine that can like kill my liver or kidneys with a few extra-large doses. It did however send my brain into a weird spin. And the worst part was I knew what was happening. A medication designed to help me relax when doubled-up made me super anxious, a little paranoid, and trippy-sleepy. For the next couple of days, I wandered around in a little daze. Worried that if I sat down for too long, I would fall asleep or be mesmerized by the Christmas lights. My speech was off, more rushed and not always sensible.

I knew that it was my fault for the mix-up. And I was aware enough to know I was not quite right. That’s the most frustrating thing too. I could know what the problem was but knowing didn’t change anything. I was stuck with the ups and downs until the medicine worked its way back into regular rhythm.

I sat through a couple of church services and a Christmas party unable to feel correctly. I wasn’t feeling depressed or anything like that, just muted. Like trying to yell in water, everything was slow to respond and sluggish when it did. The familiar feeling that I had done something wrong started to poke its way up. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t get all the right emotionally feely’s going.

Except I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong. Yeah, I should have checked the label but that was an accident not a sin. So why should I feel bad? I love it when God uses simple common sense to get my attention. Deep revelations are awesome but simple common sense is just so much easier for me to wrap my head around, especially when I was a little doped up. The Holy Spirit began to remind me that emotions aren’t the end all of praise and worship. That when we decide to worship even when we can’t feel the right emotions is actually a sacrifice that pleases God. Because it’s based on a decision and not only on how we feel. This med switch isn’t a test or punishment from God. It’s just the result of living in a fallen world where our brains might still need medicine. Also we are human and might occasionally forget to read the labels. That’s the life a someone walking through healing. Even the mix-ups provide moments to know God better.

So as I stood in church on Sunday, aware that I was singing the right words and not feeling the right feelings, I decided to speak words that I didn’t need to feel to know they were true.

“I’m going to keep praising You even when I don’t feel it. You’re worthy of it when I can focus and when my meds throw me off.”

It was a holy moment even though physically and mentally nothing changed. I was still loopy (ask my family), drowsy (ask my friends), and a little zoned out (ask me). But I had come to a decision regardless of how I felt, and that changed everything.