Every so often I decide I’m going to get into incredible shape. Like back in my jiujitsu and half marathon days shape. It’s not a bad goal and I know I can do it especially since I’ve done it before. Except that I forget I’m not 23 anymore, 40 is peeking at me from around the corner, and I’m a little creakier than I used to be. Probably because of the years of not working out. But never mind, I’m going to be just pop right back into shape! Well pop I did; my back at least. It was pitiful too like some kettlebell swings (I won’t mention the weight) and I was done.

I’ve hurt my back a number of times before, cracked it on wooden steps, slipped a disc at work, not to mention the child who jumped on it when I was young and kick started this whole back pain thing. I know I need to be extra careful when lifting and stop when I feel my back getting tired. But no! I decided to do like 100 swings and not stop; because I’ve done it before years ago and thought I should just be able to jump into again. I sabotage myself this way when it comes to fitness and weight loss. I jump in at like 115% and then when my body puts limits on me, I quit.

So while I’ve been hobbling around, God has been showing me that I don’t only do this at the gym. It’s a mentality that I have in many areas of my life, including my mental health. As someone who struggles with emotional regulation, I often have a hard time with not feeling all the “feels” at church. Like when the worship is great but I’m not getting the goosebumps or when the preaching is awesome but I’m not “feeling” the message. When this happens I either tune out or I just berate myself for not being spiritual (or strong) enough to force my brain to work right. Just like the gym. Ouch.

“Stop imitating the ideals and opinions of the culture around you but, be inwardly transformed by the Holy Spirit through a total reformation of how you think.” -Romans 12:2 (TPT). Total transformation and reformation don’t happen overnight, I didn’t run a half-marathon until I had run many 5k’s, 10k’s, and a few mud runs. I had to work my way up to it, so why do I think I can just jump in where I left off over a decade ago? Especially with a decade older (plus a few extra years) body that has added bad eating habits and medications to it.

It’s the same with my brain and emotions. They are wired odd and even while they are being rewired by God, it’s a process. I can’t just jump down the line and expect everything to work perfectly. Healing is a transformation. Like a marathon, it’s a race that we work up to. My emotions are being reset and at the same time my brain is learning not to rely on emotions alone. It’s a “reformation of how I think” and it’s a necessity.

“And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.” Hebrews 12:1b. The race is one we run against ourselves not others and their transformation. Just our own. We are being renewed and transformed at the speed we make with God and as long we are walking it with Him; it’s the exact pace He has set before us.

And I’ll keep reminding myself of that as I hobble along waiting to restart going to the gym.