The last couple of days have been a fun little wild ride in my brain. Through no fault of my own, one of my mood stabilizers almost ran out. And by almost, I mean I was down to half doses for a few days. So yay, not totally out but low enough that I began to feel a little wild. But not the cool beginnings of mania wild, more the “everyone is driving me up the wall with their slowness” wild. The irritated, agitated, teeth-gritting, doing 60 in a 40 kind of wild. And the most utterly frustrating part was it totally wasn’t my fault! I renewed my meds at the right time but the VA in all its wisdom didn’t fill them for 6 days. I can’t request a refill until exactly a month after receiving them and if they refill late, I have to get creative. This frustration didn’t help with my agitation.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with God about the unfairness of the whole thing; I had so much to do, including meeting a friend for coffee, I didn’t have time to be weird in the head. More of a complaint session really but the Bible does say to pour your complaints out to God (Psalm 142:2). I kept telling Him how unfair this whole thing was; I’m in a season where He has been asking me to be a bit more vulnerable to Him and people. I thought I was doing good so why was I being punished with a setback? I sat in the car for a few moments as He just spoke to me, reminding me that He isn’t a punishing God but one who brings peace even when I don’t “feel” it. I can’t always rely on my feelings to speak the truth; He is Truth even when my brain sends my feelings mixed messages.

I went ahead with the meeting and wisely decided to forgo any more coffee because I knew that I would not be able to curb the manic panic if I did. And then I told this person what was happening so if I acted a little strange there was good reason for it. I was vulnerable. For a person who has a blog about mental illness and church, I tell surprisingly few church people about being diagnosed as bipolar. I’ll talk about PTSD with no issue, but I don’t really bring up bipolar. It seems more personal I guess; somehow saying my mind snapped from war seems better than saying my mind just stops or zooms up when it wants, and I don’t know why. It’s alright to have a nervous reaction to loud noises but embarrassing to speak so fast you sound insane or forget how to speak at all, crazy to mute I’ve been both.

But yesterday I couldn’t hold it in, and it was a good thing. Just talking a little bit about it was relieving. Not that I need to talk about it all the time because that’s weird too. Just a bit was enough. And my friend didn’t get weirded out or anything. We just had a normal-ish conversation. I had water instead of coffee and so did she.

I know God didn’t make my meds come in late (they showed up that afternoon), but He proved once again that He will use any circumstance good or bad, to show how much He cares. In being a little vulnerable, I found care instead of rejection. And I learned that God’s peace is always available, whether I know how to feel it or not. It’s not a gift that He gives and takes; it’s as eternal as salvation.