“His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy…” Eminem’s intro to Lose Yourself is the perfect explanation of what I feel when I start to get a panic attack. I had almost forgotten the signs because it’s been a while since I’ve had one.

But the other night, one just popped up on me. In the middle of church, no less. I was in a smaller room with more people than usual, and the heatwave didn’t help things. I noticed I was a little jittery, but I shrugged it off. In all fairness, jittery for me can happen for almost any mood from panic to mania so it’s not an unknown phenomenon. Then service started. Suddenly the lights were too dark and light at the same time. Somebody came in and sat behind me, then another person did. My breathing spiked and it took everything in me not to ask them to move. I had to leave the room. To anyone who saw me bolt out, so sorry for looking like I was running. Even when I came back, I barely held it together long enough to hear the message and bolt again at prayer time.

Driving home I asked God why that had happened. I mean I was healed right, so why did that just flare up? I can’t recall reading any story in the Bible where a person was healed and then suddenly had a hiccup non-healing one day. Like when they picked up their mats, they didn’t go crippled again. What was the deal? As I wrestled it out, God began to show me things, signs that I had ignored but part of my mind had not. 1) The heat. Heat almost always subconsciously triggers me. Not because of Iraq, as one might think, but because of the days I spent in my car waiting to die. Arizona heat isn’t as humid as Missouri but stay in your car for a few days at 110+ and it’s just disgusting. 2) I’m in the middle of an upheaval at the house, not necessarily a bad one but I still struggle with quick changes. 3) I just started a group Bible study and quite frankly, it’s got me in the midst of questioning whether I want to continue it or not. God is using it to bring some things I thought were dealt with to the surface again. Turns out they weren’t dealt with so much as hidden. And 4) I’m still writing a book that is also suddenly being a bit more convicting than I thought. In retrospect maybe trying to push through my brain wobble was a bad idea.

As I struggled through the disappointment of what I thought was a setback, God began to show me other things I hadn’t noticed. I think this is the first time that I noticed what was happening before it turned into a full panic attack. Instead of shutting down, I was able to leave and go someplace where I felt more comfortable. And I didn’t just quit (which is totally what I kept hearing in my head), I went back when I could and stayed again for as long as I could. And probably the most important thing: I knew when it was time to be done. Ask almost anyone who deals with mental illness, knowing what is too much is critical and almost the hardest thing to recognize. This wasn’t a setback, it was merely part of living in a world where hard things happen and a brain that is at times still recuperating.

We humans love instant gratification especially in terms of healing. I get it, who wants to slowly get better when we could just be Pow! healed. But I’m finding more and more that God also desires the relationship that is created when we have to solely depend on Him. Not that He isn’t inclined to heal but He is willing to walk through it with us, so we can really come to know Him as our good Father.

So yes, God has healed me and I’m also still being healed.