There are days where I forget that I deal with any mental issues. Maybe not totally forget but they are so far in the back of my mind that it doesn’t affect my daily life. And then there are other days where it all comes flying back to me. Like the other day where it was quite literally screaming at me in the form of 5 million children at the zoo. We had some family in town and had we decided to take my niece and nephew to the zoo. It was a Friday morning, we figured that most people would be at work or in school.

I should have known better when we arrived and saw bus upon bus spewing children out at the entrance. Apparently it was Zoo Day for every school in the KC metro. They were everywhere! And all the sudden PTSD and anxiety began to tap a little dance in my brain. I made it about an hour and a half (which is an hour and a half longer than I thought I would) before I had to call it quits.

FYI when walking with littles, an hour plus is about three or four exhibits. Especially since we had to wait our turn in line to get in anywhere. No way was I going in any of the buildings, I waited outside with the strollers.

Going home was so frustrating. I had really wanted to do the zoo with them and my stupid brain was so hyper-driven that I had to shut down for two hours when I got home. I eventually got moving around again, but still kicked myself for having such a flare-up. As if I could control it. Part of me wanted to be angry that other people were around to see me fail and the other part was angry that I wasn’t “better” enough to be able to do more. Enter pity party Heather.

But it couldn’t last long because the whole family was coming over. I took Albus outside to help him run off some energy with his favorite pastime, playing with his stick toy. The family got back home and suddenly my four-year-old nephew comes outside to play with us. He has been a little skittish around Albus ever since Albus knocked him over as a younger puppy. The poor guy got puppy jumped like 3 times by a 30-pound Labradoodle, so caution is understandable. But he was fascinated by Albus chasing the toy, to the point of asking if he could hold the stick. We did that for a bit then we played fetch with a tennis ball and Albus’s favorite game ever: chasing bubbles.

This is what I had wanted all along, just some time to hang with the family and develop a deeper relationship with them. And that just couldn’t happen for me at the zoo with all those people. Yet it still happened, in my backyard with a fun-loving nephew and a silly now 70-pound dog. Because God is good. He knew the zoo would probably be too much; He was just happy that I tried.

I beamed joyfully as my nephew began to cautiously approach Albus and then gradually give him commands. He had come back from a real fear and wasn’t allowing it to control him even if he still had a bit of it. God is the same way. He isn’t measuring me by how I succeed or fail in dealing with mental issues; He’s just proud that I don’t quit. In the moment of mind flare-ups it’s hard to remember that God isn’t mad at me for dealing with PTSD, bipolar, anxiety, whatever. But the truth is He is just as close when they pop up or when they are silent.

Those issues don’t determine my relationship with God. I get to determine how deep my relationship with Him goes and they can either come along for the ride or hop off at any point. Regardless of them, I’m going to believe in God’s goodness and keep trying new scenarios. Because the zoo wasn’t failure, it was just a flare-up from a mind that is being healed.