*I’m going to drop a nice little trigger warning right here. Not because I plan on getting all dark and scary but because some people don’t handle suicide talk easily. *

“Have you had any suicidal or homicidal thoughts recently?” It’s a classic therapist’s line usually asked near the end of the session. I’ve always wondered why near the end, like if I say yes, your next client is gonna be kept waiting for a while. But I digress. I get it, legally they have to ask; I’m sure they really care but it’s mostly to cover their butts in case I go do something wild after I leave the office (or since covid, turn off the computer). I almost always answer no. And that’s almost always a lie.

Of course, I think about suicide. I don’t daydream about it. But once you’ve attempted suicide, the thought kind of just sits there in the back of your head waiting to pop up whenever you least expect it. Like a nephew or niece’s birthday- “I shouldn’t have been here to see this but I’m so glad I am.” Or a beautiful day- “I never thought I’d see beauty in the world again.” In both good and bad ways, the idea of suicide and my attempts pop into my mind. But hands down the worst ones are hearing that another friend committed suicide- “What if my suicide would have caused them to get help? Why did I live and they didn’t?” Sometimes that last line is more in the form of a weird jealous regret, even though I don’t want it to. But yeah, suicide’s almost always there; not necessarily as an option but at least as a memory. But I worry that telling my overstressed, overworked, this month’s new counselor any of this might get me put right back in the psych ward. So I keep quiet, to him at least.

Within the last couple months I had another friend commit suicide and this started me having some long talks with God about all this. Why do I still think about it? Why does it still invade my thoughts occasionally overwhelmingly? What does this mean for me as a Christian, like am I not a really good one? A part of me thinks that if I’m saved than even having these thoughts a bit of a defeat or slip into sin.

Today I was walking through a tunnel while out with my dog. It rained here yesterday so everything was wet except obviously inside the tunnel. About a third of the way through, I noticed a large wet spot on the ground and watched as drops were falling from the top of the tunnel onto the floor. Now right above this tunnel is a road so the idea that the tunnel was leaking was quite concerning! As I watched the drops falling I felt God saying, “You don’t think park rangers come down here and check on this? If there was a real concern they would shut the trail down.” Duh silly me, of course they would. If it was like a waterfall coming down, they would know immediately because it would be seen on the road and by other hikers. A drip here or there just needs to be monitored and as soon as the ground dries it’ll stop.

That’s when it hit me; there was a time with the thought of suicide was a flooding waterfall in my head. Everything centered around it; good or bad I was ready to off myself at almost any given moment. It had full hold on me. But not anymore; through therapy (yeah, the internet doc is good for something), meds, and most importantly my relationship with God, the flood is now a slowing drip. It needs to be monitored but the threat of imminent collapse is no longer there. Healing was happening even when I didn’t notice it.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” -Philippians 1:6

I am a work in progress. So are you. And God is making beautiful creations out of us. Even though we struggle with old mindsets, patterns, or even desires; they don’t disqualify us from walking a faith-filled life and certainly not from God. He loves us in the struggle, and He has promised us that His good work will not end until we are made perfect, body, spirit, and mind.